~If I wasn't myself, We could have such a great relationship

If I wasn't hardwired the way I am, I would go and live by my sister Salome and her family. I know that if I did that our lives would rarely intersect because we have such different lives, and we are in different stages of our lives and have different talents and strengths. We've arrived at where we are at such different paths. I feel the loss of her, of who we could be as sisters and friends and companions in adventures if I could just suppress who I am. I have this feeling in many relationships, when it comes to different points of view, and different wants from the relationships, that if I could just suppress this, who I am, what I want or lets say need, from what my course and direction is in life, I could have some really great relationships. It's what went wrong in my childhood and adulthood relationships. But if getting along with everyone means faking who I am to please you, then what would be the point either for you or me. There was a time in a close relationship, that the person asked me to just fake being happy and smile and be agreeable to anything they asked. They told me they didn't care if I felt it or not, just to act. so I did this for 3 hours and then they asked me to stop. See nothing was gained by me just going along with their plan. So in fairness to myself, I have to walk down roads that no foot has stepped on before. I have to just be who I am. This doesn't mean I don't see my flaws, I am most harsh towards myself for those. I just have to follow this trail and know that it means that I am trading living near loved ones. Living a ''semingly secure'' life instead of living hanging off of a cliff. So although I love you and wish I could just be a calm, collected version, I have to do this thing I am to do and not be too sad when I get to see my lovely sisters via email, phone calls and occassional too short visits. Do your best in your allotted lives, and I will attempt to do the same in mine. I love you!