it's starting

i feel excited-scared, nervious, alive!, sad missing my close to my heart friends, :(, and glad for the opportunity to go explore. LAX in a few minutes then i'm out. . .

when something ends something new begins

when i moved to Oregon in 1998, my children were small(er) and we moved here with the hopes of shoveling less snow and finishing college and having my kids live near their cousins.  I came here with dreams and thoughts. Did those get accomplished?

In the next 5 years there were dreams of building community and having great business and fun-this dream seemed to slowly build-like wind filling a spinnaker-but then a hearty snap and tearing of the sail and utter chaos.  Were those real visions of things that were real to come or just foolish desire?

The last 6 years were difficult-learning to be consistant in a world of inconsistancy-in a job that was less than enjoyable-I tried to make it exciting and enjoyed the people I helped-it was hard times with kids and relationships.  I thought there was some point to learn, some deeper meaning but maybe it was all pointless waiting for time to pass so that I would be now.

I drove around Albanascopy-as I call it, and looked at the old dreams and projects that never came true. I don't get it.

So I have to close the chapter on what I thought this whole Oregon adventure was about and go on with my whole heart to the next adventure. I hold the love of my friends who've made me who I am or who attempted to :) and I resisted-oops sorry!  and I keep the memories of all the wonderful times I've had-especially laughing with people.

icnesho lsoe bpole speakelosl winnso soiel soemslaonl iwomans

comment made about my adventure

bus operator-What give you the right to leave?

bus operator-good for you (as he cries a little)

friend of a friend-you are selfish and self-centered-just because you have no friends makes it easy for you to leave

Family-i didn't know you were LEAVING-I thought you were going for a week in Greece

Family-I'll meet you in south america for Christmas

Family-( ) yeah he didn't say anything :(

my best friend-I don't want to think about it. Later she says-I'll vacation when you get somewhere I'd like to see

my mom-Ay Michele-I'm so excited for you

my sister Salome-be safe and have fun

my family Jonathan-you got tickets to Peru for $235 Round trip and you didn't tell me!!!!

my family Mel-I'm so excited for you

my friend -i've worked other places and not missed people who left

a guy i sold my life jackets to-I'd really like to come on this trip with you

another friend-I'm not going to think about you when you leave because then I'd worry

my dad-IF this is God's will, then I hope all goes well

a store clerk-I wish I had the balls that you do to quit my job and travel

woman at work who has not spoken a kind word to me in 5 years-I wish you the best

my friend-Go for it and live your dreams

physical therapist-you are better-keep up your strengthening and go live your life

my attorney-I really want my wife to be more like you and travel

my dog-wait I don't have one :)

my chiropracter-what will you do if your back acts up?

all in all most people have well wishes for me. A few are somewhat hateful as if I haven't paid my dues to go adventuring.

to them I say-I didn't live by your rules for my life before and I'm not starting now

I have to do what's in my heart to do

I'm tired

Tired of driving in circles for work, of coworkers being petty over meaningless things, over feeling unloved, of having to try to sort thru boxes while being productive at work, dreaming of being happy, anticipating fun. But having a hard time slowing down to enjoy it, of my back hurting, of not finishing close to complete projects, trying to balance saying bye to friends while not crying too much because I don't know when I'll ever see them, wondering if I'll turn into a grungy dirty dreads hippie, and wondering how to stay centered. . . . . .

tipping point

I am at this strange point in preparing to leave where I see ads or events coming and I realize I will not be attending because I will be in Peru.  Even sitting at meeting for work where they talk about how in 6-9 months we will have our new transit center completed and I realize, I will see it virtually but will not be there to see it live.

As the end of season sailing steak bash is announced for sept 20th, I realize I can eat my own steak in Peru that night and toast my fellow sailors from afar but I will not be there in person.

I believe that I leave in just 23 days for the first leg to my sister Maria's in southern Cali to visit for 2 days and then on sept 14th, I fly to Lima, Peru!!!!!! I'm so excited.

At the same time I delay thinking about that too much because I am here and need to keep full concentration to complete my simple tasks I've assigned myself before I can enjoy that time.  Just yesterday I thought I had completed the cookbook-AGAIN!!-because I had finished the index and then I realized, I hadn't paginated the cookbook. So it didn't matter what page number I wrote since there was no page numbers. IT WAS FRUSTRATING TO SAY THE LEAST, so I had to not work on it yet. ugh!!!

today I go to Portland to visit my daughter Siobhan and get some stuff sacks, water sandals and walking shoes at REI or Next Adventure. It will be a good day. I'm avoiding making eye contact with the 6 totes I brought down to sort through. . . .

My back went into deep agony last night and I couldn't work the 2-3 hours I had planned. I couldn't even think, I just had to tend to my back. It was frustrating but after tons of ice and advil, today I think I can make a go of what is my day.

23 DAYS!!! that's not a scary number. I just think today is Aug 19th and sept 19th I'll be gone from here and I'll be there in Peru!  nice!

saying goodbye

as i prepare to leave in about 30 days, I am making list of must-see people and making a point to spend time with them.  My daughter is one of these. It is hard and I feel sad going away from her, because I love her so much and enjoy seeing her face and listening to where she is in her life and being available. I suppose nothing changes except I'll see her face on skype and still be available but not living within an hour.  it was sad driving away from her and knowing that I will see her before I leave but probably the time will be shorter than I desire.

another person I made time was an old friend, he's now 87! I haven't touched base for about 3 years and in that time, his wife has passed on to heaven and he has been managing through those changes. I really enjoy his youthful energy and kindness towards me. I told him he and his wife are people I carry in my heart, wherever I go and I hope that it's the same for them now him. He assured me that the love remains. If I don't see him again on earth, we said we'd meet up in heaven!

quiet time

It's been refreshing to hang out near a lake in my friend's camper and swim and sail and just think and relax.  Everything has been on thing after thing after thing that it's been nice to just be calm and sleep a lot and not give myself a schedule.  Of course it's rough to have to get decent to drive a few miles to get coffee.
Yesterday I picked organic blueberries and met this funny guy whose father had driven him in a car to Costa Rica. I thought my dad was the only on to ever do that with his family.